Why can’t I have it all? Why can’t I be healthy, happy, working, organized, engrossed in many projects, trying new things left and right, trusting myself a little more, making new friends (even though it’s SO hard at the age of 27) feel less guilt and more empowered. Making my happiness and well being a priority and not a second thought at the end of the day as I flop into bed. Why not? I'm worth aren’t I?
Lately – more than lately, more like a the last couple years I have been feeling so disengaged from life. I feel as though I am running through the motions. Work, baby, dinner, house work, hubby time, night time. Rinse and repeat. And even though I am feeling like that, in my bones it seems as though I am also on the precipice of a huge breakthrough. The funny thing with me is I’ve always known what it is I need to do… I need to plan my menu a week in advance and write out a grocery list before I leave, I need to get a new bookcase because I don’t want the old one to fall and hurt Vincent, I need to eat healthy and exercise everyday, I need to talk nicer to myself. I’ve always known, but yet I’m not engaged enough to follow through. I sit. I wait. I complain. I sit some more. And I wonder why I feel so bleh all the time.
I am just too young to feel so tired and out of it. I want to be energized about life again. Excited about all the possibilities. I want to get lost in a good book and finish it. I want to be engrossed with a project and follow through. I want to make my happiness and priority and not feel guilty. I want to be debt free and life a less worrisome life and more of an adventurous one. I want that feeling of work is work but it’s not me and when I go home to turn it off.
I guess what’s stopping me from my breakthrough is me. I am hanging onto the edge and not letting go. It’s not as easy as it sounds or as easy as it is writing down here. I’m just not ready to give up on me yet. Not yet. Not ever.
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