What do I want to do?

I am linking up with Becky from Mrs. to Mama.  Today we are discussing something I am struggling with. I think we all are struggling with something.  On the outside, most of us look very put together.  We smile.  We go to work.  We cook dinner.  We tidy up our homes.  But there is always something that, on the inside is just not sitting right with us.  It sticks to our brain, popping up every second it can.  For some it’s illness, for others it may be unemployment, it could be depression or anxiety that riddles us everyday in some capacity. For me, it’s an identity crisis.  Now, before you laugh, this may not be a life threatening event in my life where my very existence is at stake – but it’s very real to me.  I just don’t know who I am at this moment.

On paper I am many things.  I am a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a working mom, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece, a friend, a dog owner, a target lover, an acquaintance, a homeowner, a movie lover, an amateur photographer, a blogger. But deep down – who am I? What do I want to do? This is something I struggle with. 

I know a couple of things are for sure.  I may not know exactly who I am in this moment, but I do know I am his Mama.  He is mine and I am his.  And that will always calm me and bring a smile to my face.  He is my legacy, my forever.

Let’s talk SLEEP

 

I get on average 8-9 hours of sleep (mostly interrupted).  I just don’t mess around.  Does it make me an old lady? Maybe.  Does it make me boring? I don’t know.  But I just don’t screw around with getting enough sleep – or at least making my best effort to get enough sleep.  I simply adore getting on fresh comfortable PJ’s, taking out my contacts, wiping my face with a crisp face cloth and applying a light and airy moisturizer.  I love crawling underneath the covers to cool sheets and getting all snuggly.  I love winding down while looking through my phone and catching up with Twitter, Facebook and Instagram updates from the day.  I love when my eyes get too heavy, I set my alarm and close my eyes and drift effortlessly to sleep. It’s one of my simple pleasures of life.  Some people enjoy a night out with drinks, I enjoy a night in catching some ZZZzzZz’s. 

Ever since I became a mother, sleep hasn’t been easy.  He obviously has his good nights and bad nights but going to be around 830/9 still leaves me so, so very tired and it’s starting to bum me out.  While I love getting my Z’s I do occasionally love staying up late, watching a movie, reading, perusing the internet etc.  But I just cant seem to enjoy them anymore because of the anxiety of him waking up sporadically throughout the night and finally waking up for the day anywhere between 5:30 AM to 6:15 AM.  That is before the Sun people. 

So my day usually goes like this – V waking up a couple times during the night 95% of the time he can put himself down, but I am usually wide awake when he wakes up crying.  He is up at let’s say 6:00 AM.  I feed him, play with him until I head off to work.  I go to work and I freakin’ work… I mean traveling to different branches and meetings and etc.  When I get home (530 pm) I usually put on a meal, help with the baby, clean up, play with V, catch up with a little TV until we start his night time routine around 7:30 PM.  This is about a half hour long with a bath, bottle and cereal.  Once we are done, it’s like 8:00.  By then I am just pooped.  The thought of having to wake up and repeat with minimal sleep is daunting, so I usually just crawl into bed and I am out by 9:00 (if not earlier).  Sigh. 

What I am trying to get at is, I have a love-hate relationship with my NEED for sleep.  It baffles me when I see/hear/read about people with children and a job and hobbies and an active social calendar who just don’t need a lot of sleep.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS! I tip my hat to them, because I am just NOT one of those people, I wish I were.  So until I unlock the secret of functioning on little sleep while being insanely productive and patient, I’ll go take my contacts out and crawl into bed and catch up on my ZZzzZ’s.

Move

 

If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody.

Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.

Quote found here

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Thankful

Words can not describe the joy I feel right in this moment.  I am truly blessed to have such an amazing family.  I am thankful for.

 

This guy who makes me smile everyday.  He is getting so big and going a mile a minute.  He is my heart and soul.

And this guy too.  He is the love of my life and the best husband and father to our son I could have ever hoped and wished for.  I love you.

I am also thankful for this little puppy of ours.  She can be pretty sweet sometimes.

 

I am thankful for my family and Mike’s
I am thankful for our health and happiness
I am thankful for good food and a roof over our heads
I am thankful for the job I have.
I am thankful for running clean water.
I am thankful for our home and everything (and everyone) in it.
I am thankful for the good times (and the bad).  It all makes us stronger.
I am thankful for perspective.
I am thankful for my life and being able to wake up everyday and do better.

 

What are you thankful for?

Currently Lovin’

One: Ella’s Kitchen is organic baby food and Baby V just loves it.  It has a mixture of various fruits and veggies and I love that he gets an assortment of flavors in one sitting.

Two: I was running out of my hella expensive NARS Orgasm blush and since I am no longer in the budget to purchase a $30.00 blush I was on the look out for something light, airy and most of all inexpensive.  CoverGirl and Olay’s Simply Ageless Sculpting Blush is my new bff.  PLUS it’s less than $10.00.  Hooray!

Three: When I wrote out this post I stated I wanted to fill a journal front and back with personal writing and so far it’s going great.  Challenging but great.  I wanted to make sure I had a journal that felt good in my hands so I was more inclined to write.  Mission accomplished.

Four:  My hair sucks.  It’s dry and itchy all.the.time.  and it’s still falling out (post partum issues) and I chopped it off because I was frustrated and I’m kind of sad I did.  I found a bottle in the linen closest that I tossed back there because for awhile there I wasn’t even washing my hair because I refused to pull out additional clumps while shampooing.  But I found a bottle a glorious new bottle and I am milking it.  It leaves your hair feeling light, luxurious and full of life.  Love it.

Five: SUPER DUPER Impressed with this lovely company’s jewelry designs.  I have yet to purchase them just yet, because I am being extremely picky.  But I am currently eyeing this one.  Like?

Six: Have you tried this bread yet? If not you are missing out.  Trader Joe’s Banana Bread is delicious.  Perfectly paired with a cup of warm cider, omgamazing. 

Things I Suck At

 

I am in love with this new blog.  And after I spent hours… yes hours… perusing all her posts because they are all full of inspiring, thought provoking topics, I came across this one and thought it was too good not to do myself. 

Here is my list:

Cleaning up after myself: I have this bad habit of waiting till I am so sick of living in chaos that I’ll spend like a good 3 hours cleaning up the mess I left behind me. 

Not finishing a book: I’ll start 4-5 books and maybe finish one.  I have a terrible habit of buying books and hardly ever finishing them.

Following Through: I have lofty goals for myself and I won’t follow through with most of them.  I don’t know if it’s I get bored or I have ADD or what, but tis true.

Styling my hair: When I see someone effortlessly do their hair amazing in a YouTube video, it drives me bonkers.  My hair basically does 3 things: Down | Flat, Down | Hot rolled curls, or Sockbun.  SIgh.  I’ve tried people, but my hair sucks.

Drinking enough H2O: BAD GIRL!

Having Patience: I just don’t.  I try, but fail.  Miserably. 

 

WHAT DO YOU SUCK AT?

I’m Worth It Aren’t I?

 

Why can’t I have it all? Why can’t I be healthy, happy, working, organized, engrossed in many projects, trying new things left and right, trusting myself a little more, making new friends (even though it’s SO hard at the age of 27) feel less guilt and more empowered.  Making my happiness and well being a priority and not a second thought at the end of the day as I flop into bed.  Why not? I'm worth aren’t I?

Lately – more than lately, more like a the last couple years I have been feeling so disengaged from life.  I feel as though I am running through the motions.  Work, baby, dinner, house work, hubby time, night time.  Rinse and repeat. And even though I am feeling like that, in my bones it seems as though I am also on the precipice of a huge breakthrough.  The funny thing with me is I’ve always known what it is I need to do… I need to plan my menu a week in advance and write out a grocery list before I leave, I need to get a new bookcase because I don’t want the old one to fall and hurt Vincent, I need to eat healthy and exercise everyday, I need to talk nicer to myself.  I’ve always known, but yet I’m not engaged enough to follow through.  I sit.  I wait.  I complain.  I sit some more.  And I wonder why I feel so bleh all the time. 

I am just too young to feel so tired and out of it.  I want to be energized about life again.  Excited about all the possibilities.  I want to get lost in a good book and finish it.  I want to be engrossed with a project and follow through.  I want to make my happiness and priority and not feel guilty.  I want to be debt free and life a less worrisome life and more of an adventurous one.  I want that feeling of work is work but it’s not me and when I go home to turn it off. 

I guess what’s stopping me from my breakthrough is me.  I am hanging onto the edge and not letting go.  It’s not as easy as it sounds or as easy as it is writing down here.  I’m just not ready to give up on me yet.  Not yet.  Not ever.