This is new for me. Insomnia. I went to bed tonight and fell asleep relatively easy… thoughts of the day, conversations, to-do’s, they began to creep in but sheer exhaustion won for a moment and let me have 2 hours.
Vincent who is still working through a nasty cold, woke up around 10:45 P.M. screaming… crying with his eyes shut almost inconsolable. Wrapping him up in my arms, comforting him, feeling annoyed yet my heart full of love I rocked him back to sleep. As I folded back up into bed and closed my eyes, the thoughts got in. I’ve been trying to drift back to sleep now for 2 hours. Thoughts about lack of sleep and making me loose sleep, conversations with my boss/peers, a current client that I dislike and want nothing to do with, a potential client that is going to be stressful and a lot of work, external drama, resentment, feelings of being stuck, not liking where I am at, people telling me I have no other choice, minutia are all keeping me up.
Which is funny because I am a great sleeper. I can usually fall asleep on a dime. So this… not sleeping thing is new for me, and I no likey. Why am I logging into my work email right now? I hate myself.
I literally can’t turn off the faucet that is my brain right now and all I want to do is spit fire them all out and never look, speak or think of them again. It feels like poison, making it’s way through my veins into my system and it’s the most unsettling feeling in the world – I am not used to it at all.
I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel like I am doing what I should and need to be doing which might explain the unsettling feeling I get – especially at night when I am alone with my thoughts.
What do I want to be doing? Being creative, laughing more, taking more pictures, being less stressed, saving more money, reading interesting things, writing, motivating others (funny cause I cant motivate myself most days) painting, working out/bettering my health, dancing, taking a long good for the soul nap in the sun with a warm blanket, feeling the sun on my face, being my own boss, creating a life on my own terms not someone else’s…
So I am sure you can imagine where my brain is at… it’s not in a good place. It’s in a place that’s taking away my ZZzZZz’s it’s keeping me up at night with things I want to be able to wash away and be done with. For GOOD.
Sigh. I’m crawling back into bed and crossing my fingers I find peace.
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