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The thing about not working for yourself is you are living and working at someone else’s dream. And although I’m happy to be earning some sort of living to support my family… It’s just a little disconcerting to wake up everyday, leaving your home, your family your everyday life to make someone else’s dream of working for themselves, making their own schedule a reality.
I’ve always felt like I have it in me. To make a living on my own. Doing something creative. Writing, photography, freelance…whatever it is. I think I have what it takes. I think I have that fire in me. Right now I feel like it’s a slow burning amber. I haven’t gotten to the point where I can/want to leap – does that make sense?
I want to wake up and feel totally and utterly ecstatic about what I am doing. I want to be OBSESSED. I want to eat, drink sleep my passion. I want to let it spill out into my everyday life by being more attentive and inspiring to our son. By being a more loving and passionate wife to being a more creative and innovative artist. I want to have time again. I want things to slow down. I want to remember the special moments and not be so overwhelmed by the things that just don’t matter.
I want to be able to not be so bogged down by drama. I feel like because I am so stressed and overwhelmed that things that shouldn’t bother me do. I want to shrug my shoulders and not just think but truly believe that I am to blessed to be stressed..because I am.
I want to find my true authentic voice and just scream from the mountain tops that I AM HERE! THIS IS ME! LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT!
What’s stopping me? Fear. I am literally paralyzed by it. The thought of failing. The thought of looking like a huge idiot. The thought of no acceptance. The thought of disappointing. The thought…. the thought the thought… It eats at me.
But I have to do something. I feel as though I am slowly but surely heading down this road that is darker, sharper, jaded and just not good for my soul.
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