Do you

There is a little voice in me, it's been no more than a simple whisper.  If you aren't really listening, you'd probably never even know it was there.  But I hear it.  It's trying to get my attention everyday.  Sometimes it has my ear.  Sometimes I listen to it, for a moment.  Some days... most days I go without even acknowledging it. 

The voice is telling me to "Follow your dreams" it's telling me "You're better than this." It's saying, "Do you want to be/do this for the rest of your life, Maria?" I know the answer.  But for years, I have chosen not to even answer this voice.  I've chosen to muzzle it, silence it, ignore it.  Why? Because I am afraid.  Fearful of being who I am supposed to be.  Someone who lives by their own rules.  Someone who wakes up every morning with purpose and drive and a motivation to take on the day - not just tolerate it. 

Remember that scene in "The Never Ending Story" when Atreyu and Artax (his horse) were making their way through the Swamp of Sadness? And Artax becomes overwhelmed by the sadness of the swamp and begins to sink? Atreyu tries his hardest to pull Artax out of his funk but Atreyu just cant? I sometimes I feel like that some days.  I am muddying my way through a swamp, the swamp being my head, thoughts, feelings etc. Some days I am able to get through it - barely.  Other days, I succumb to the sadness/frustration/annoyances and I sink.  The thing is, I am fed up with feeling like that. 


I don't just want to exist.  I want to live.  I don't just want to work and collect a paycheck.  I want to wake up everyday  and change the freaking world.  I don't just want to parent my child.  I want to teach him and love him with my whole heart everyday all day and make him understand the value of life.  I don't want to eat to push down some bad feelings.  I want to eat to live.  I don't want to spend my day in front of the TV.  I want to get outside and play.

I'm afraid of taking that leap to the life I want.  I'm afraid of what others will say, I am afraid of looking like an idiot.  I'm afraid of failing.  I am afraid of not being good enough.  I am afraid of being in over my head.  I am afraid of actually putting out there what I want in life and actually getting it and hanging on to it.  I'm afraid that if I actually get what I want in life that it will be violently ripped from me, never to be seen again.

I want to be healthy.  I want to loose a good amount of weight - the healthy way.  I want to eat better, drink more water, eat less sugar and carbs.  Exercise on a regular basis.  I want to feel good in the clothes I wear.  I want to look in the mirror and truly be happy with the hard work I've put in.

I want to get our finances under control.  We aren't on a budget.  We aren't frivolous spenders, but we are no big time savers.  I think about stuff going wrong and being a homeowner - it's GOING to happen.  I always worry if we are going to have enough in our savings to cover the costs.  I want to eliminate all of our consumer debt so we can focus on chipping away on my student loans and mortgage.  I want to save up so we can take a fun vacation out of state and make memories as a family.  I want to be able to stay home with our kids. 
I want to do something creative and in my ideal world, get paid to do it.  I would love to take pictures for a living.  Weddings, families, every day life... But I know that I am not great at it.  The thought of how much I still need to learn is scary and daunting.  I'm also the type of person where I am incredibly, painfully hard on myself and am my harshest critic and getting into a line of work like that is a little scary because you and your work are CONSTANTLY being judged.  Do I want to sign up for that?

I want to be organized.  I have my moments where I am organized and put things away where they should be - but then life happens.  I throw things in cupboards.  I shove it in that drawer.  Papers everywhere.  Receipts overflowing.  I want to better manage my home and have it run a little more smoothly.  I want to plan ahead and not always feel like I'm sinking in not having the bills organized the laundry done, a meal planned ahead, the toys picked up. I want a system.  Not just for me but for the home as a family.

I want to lead a more faith filled life.  More time spent with Him.  I want to read more of His word everyday.  Reflecting on, am I living the life God would want me to live.  Sometimes we get so caught up with life that we don't always listen to Him and what He wants from us.  Pray, reflect, pray, reflect. 

I want to use my time more appropriately.  Some days I am so exhausted that I will use MY time on the couch...in front of the TV.  I want to use it to learn more, read more, cook more, organize more.  I want to do ALL the things when it's my time.  Stop wasting time.  Value time.  Respect time.  I want to MAKE time for me.  It's so easy to get caught up in mommy land, work land, homeland (not the TV show) and everything else in between then a couple months go by, and you're like...whoa.  When was the last time I went out for a couple hours, for me.  When was the last time I got a pedicure? When was the last time I saw a movie by myself? I have to get over the guilt and anxiety and freaking DO ME.  You hear?

I want to do all the things.  I know it's not going to happen all at once.  I know it's going to take discipline in some areas.  Time in others.  Patience.  Grace.  I get it.  I am not expecting to wake up tomorrow and have it all figured out.  I just want to make the first steps in getting it out there.  This is what I want.  I be present.  To be here living.  Not existing.  Doing what I love and dreamed of always doing with this beautiful life.