A Typical Sunday Afternoon

This is a typical Sunday afternoon.  Laying around.  Playing with toys.  Lots of snuggles.  Lots of lovin.

Bubble Beard

What’s better than a baby boy sudsin’ it up in a nice warm bath? A baby who tries to eat bubbles and gets a nice thick bubble beard.  Too stickin’ cute.

Winter Wedding

We had a winter wedding end of January.  It was my cousin Karen and she married the man who she brought to MY wedding almost three years ago as a “friend” awwww.  The church was beautiful and so was the reception.  It was also the first time Vincent slept away from us.  He did better than me.  Hah.

 

Life Lately

1.  Wine and craft night with ma gurls. 
2. Much needed mani/pedi

3. Love this quote in Danielle LePorte’s The Fire Starter Sessions
4. Snuggling with my first baby.  She can be cute sometimes.

5. BEAUTIFUL flowers from the hubs and son.  Love.
6. Working at our relationship.  It’s not always easy, but I sure do love this camera.

7. Enjoying some hot apple cider.  YUM.
8. Beautiful light came in.  Loooove the light.  Love the sun.  Cant wait for spring.

9. In the morning.  She looks like a stuffed animal here, doesn’t she?
10. After his first fat lip.  Poor booboo.

 

What’s going on with you lately?

Finding my Voice

Found here

The thing about not working for yourself is you are living and working at someone else’s dream.  And although I’m happy to be earning some sort of living to support my family… It’s just a little disconcerting to wake up everyday, leaving your home, your family your everyday life to make someone else’s dream of working for themselves, making their own schedule a reality.

I’ve always felt like I have it in me.  To make a living on my own.  Doing something creative.  Writing, photography, freelance…whatever it is.  I think I have what it takes.  I think I have that fire in me.  Right now I feel like it’s a slow burning amber.  I haven’t gotten to the point where I can/want to leap – does that make sense?

I want to wake up and feel totally and utterly ecstatic about what I am doing.  I want to be OBSESSED.  I want to eat, drink sleep my passion.  I want to let it spill out into my everyday life by being more attentive and inspiring to our son.  By being a more loving and passionate wife to being a more creative and innovative artist.  I want to have time again.  I want things to slow down.  I want to remember the special moments and not be so overwhelmed by the things that just don’t matter. 

I want to be able to not be so bogged down by drama.  I feel like because I am so stressed and overwhelmed that things that shouldn’t bother me do.  I want to shrug my shoulders and not just think but truly believe that I am to blessed to be stressed..because I am. 

I want to find my true authentic voice and just scream from the mountain tops that I AM HERE! THIS IS ME! LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

What’s stopping me? Fear.  I am literally paralyzed by it.  The thought of failing.  The thought of looking like a huge idiot.  The thought of no acceptance.  The thought of disappointing.  The thought…. the thought the thought… It eats at me. 

But I have to do something.  I feel as though I am slowly but surely heading down this road that is darker, sharper, jaded and just not good for my soul. 

Late Night Insomnia Post

This is new for me.  Insomnia.  I went to bed tonight and fell asleep relatively easy… thoughts of the day, conversations, to-do’s, they began to creep in but sheer exhaustion won for a moment and let me have 2 hours. 

Vincent who is still working through a nasty cold, woke up around 10:45 P.M. screaming… crying with his eyes shut almost inconsolable.  Wrapping him up in my arms, comforting him, feeling annoyed yet my heart full of love I rocked him back to sleep.  As I folded back up into bed and closed my eyes, the thoughts got in.  I’ve been trying to drift back to sleep now for 2 hours.  Thoughts about lack of sleep and making me loose sleep, conversations with my boss/peers, a current client that I dislike and want nothing to do with, a potential client that is going to be stressful and a lot of work, external drama, resentment, feelings of being stuck, not liking where I am at, people telling me I have no other choice, minutia are all keeping me up. 

Which is funny because I am a great sleeper.  I can usually fall asleep on a dime.  So this… not sleeping thing is new for me, and I no likey.   Why am I logging into my work email right now? I hate myself. 

I literally can’t turn off the faucet that is my brain right now and all I want to do is spit fire them all out and never look, speak or think of them again.  It feels like poison, making it’s way through my veins into my system and it’s the most unsettling feeling in the world – I am not used to it at all.

I just don’t feel like myself.  I don’t feel like I am doing what I should and need to be doing which might explain the unsettling feeling I get – especially at night when I am alone with my thoughts.

What do I want to be doing? Being creative, laughing more, taking more pictures, being less stressed, saving more money, reading interesting things, writing, motivating others (funny cause I cant motivate myself most days) painting, working out/bettering my health, dancing, taking a long good for the soul nap in the sun with a warm blanket, feeling the sun on my face, being my own boss, creating a life on my own terms not someone else’s…

So I am sure you can imagine where my brain is at… it’s not in a good place.  It’s in a place that’s taking away my ZZzZZz’s it’s keeping me up at night with things I want to be able to wash away and be done with.  For GOOD.

Sigh.  I’m crawling back into bed and crossing my fingers I find peace.

On giving up

 

I feel bad for people who give up so easily.  I do.  I feel bad for those people because, I think there is a part of them that really doesn’t understand how the world works, or what life is like.  I sometimes feel as though they are so incredibly selfish and narrow.

I feel bad for those people because they never truly grow or learn because they don’t fight through the hard.  They don’t learn from their mistakes because they are always running away from them.  If I ran away from all the hard things in my life, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and say, “Well at least I did my best.”

Giving up would tear me up inside.  It would eat away at my soul.  It would leave me feeling hollow.  Especially, if I didn’t voice my concerns before hand.  Especially if I didn’t really truly 100% try.  Oh, I’m stressed so poof I’m done.  Or, I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off so I am going to walk away without notice.  Seriously? Do you really want to be that person?

I don’t have the luxury to quit and give up.  I have a family.  A home.  Bills.  Student Loans.  Debt.  Food to put on the table.  A car to get me from point A to point B.  I can’t quit.  I have to surrender to the difficulties, the misery, the suffering and learn.  If it’s hard then I think I’m in this situation right now because God wants to me to learn from it or someone.  I am suffering now so I will get some reprieve later.  Nothing GOOD or BAD lasts forever so why do people run away so quickly when things get bad or hard?

I pray for those people because their lives will never get easier or better because they are constantly running.  I pray that the next time something hard, or stressful or scary happens they stop look it in the face and muddle through it – through all the difficulties, emotions and all.  Because at the end you are a different person, a stronger person a better person because you lived through it.  You have everything to lose if you give up and everything to gain if you live through it.  So live through it.